Earlier Heaven: For Baby
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: "A happy family is but an earlier heaven." - George Bernard Shaw. Jimmy's family is growing. Growing pains are to be expected. They hurt all the same.


Her scent filled his nose as she neared him and yet, when her lips pressed to his, he barely registered the contact. In fact, he didn't feel her pull away from him either.

"Where are you?" Faith asked with a smile that hid the hurt she felt at Jimmy's distraction. There was a time when she couldn't keep him from kissing her. It was a struggle to prepare a meal or sweep a floor for his advances.

"I'm right here," he said trying to reassure her. "Now, where were we?"

Again their lips met and again she felt he was miles away from her. But this time he pulled away before she had the chance to.

"Did you hear something?"

"No I didn't," she replied trying to sound annoyed but softening at the realization of the reason for his preoccupation. He leaned in to kiss her once more but pulled away quickly, his lips barely brushing against hers.

"Are you sure you didn't hear anything?"

Faith stifled a laugh at him. It was hard to stay angry, or even get angry really, at his turning his protective instincts where he had.

"I'm absolutely positive," she said with her eyes twinkling. "She's sleeping and she's fine. But if it makes you feel better, go and check on her."

He smiled sheepishly at her and then bent and kissed her soundly before hurrying off to look in at the tiny child resting in her cradle.

Jimmy stepped quietly into the room he shared with his beloved wife. Many was the night he had laid awake thinking on the changes Faith had brought to him, how just when he needed the most for something to change, there she was. He was so far removed now from the hotheaded young man he'd been. He was a family man. They had a small farm and he had his girls.

There was his Emmy. Emma Hope they had called her and hope she was. And not a wishing sort of hope but the very embodiment of a belief that from the bad could spring good. And she was good. She was good as gold. Rarely did she cry as a baby and now, at four years of age, she was the perfect little helper to her mother. He could not have asked for a better child.

Two years after Emmy came into their lives, Nancy came along. She was often referred to as 'Nanny' from her older sister's inability to say her name properly when she was born. They might have tossed off the nickname by now if not for Nan's mothering personality. She mothered everything from her dolls to the animals to her new baby sister and even her older sister sometimes. Jimmy's own heart swelled at how big of a heart his second child had. It filled him with wonder that God would grant him any children at all let alone children with such loving gifts. It was humbling.

The last to come along was sleeping in her cradle as Faith had said. Little Mae. She might always be known as Little Mae. She was such an exceptionally tiny thing. She was only a few months old so knowing much about her was unrealistic. Except that she seemed to love Jimmy best of all. When Faith was at her wit's end, he could hold her and rock her and talk to her for a bit and she'd settle right down. Some days when he worked in the barn, he took her out and laid her in a box near him. She wouldn't fuss at all then. As long as he kept talking to her, her little eyes would follow him everywhere.

Just that day he had tried out the cradleboard that Buck had taught him to make. Mae was good as anything the whole day just being that close to him. He wondered if it didn't upset Faith a little that the baby needed him so much. Obviously he still had to take Mae to Faith when she needed feeding but otherwise, the child acknowledged no one but him.

He watched as she stirred a little in her sleep and then he whispered softly to her and saw her settle back down.

"I should be getting back to your ma," he whispered to the infant, now snugly back to sleep. "I think she's feeling a might neglected lately. By you and me…maybe you can't help what you need but I still need her something fierce and I ought to let her know it. But maybe you need one last story before I pay some good attention to your mama."

He thought for a moment about this little life and the changes she had meant in their lives. If he was completely honest, things hadn't been quite right between Faith and him since Mae had been born. Even before that if he let himself admit it.

"Your mama's stubborn," he began. "I am too. Probably why we work. I needed someone as stubborn as me. She keeps me in check most times. Well, when your sisters were born, I didn't think a lot about all the things that can go wrong. I didn't think about 'em coming early or anything happening to your ma. Mostly. I guess if I'm honest, I worried a little before Emmy was born. But that was some unique circumstances then. Your mama had been hurt while she was carrying Emmy and I didn't know if that might make something go wrong."

He swallowed hard remembering the hours he spent in the barn talking to Teaspoon and waiting for news, how frightened he had been that he might lose them.

"When I came into the house after Emmy was born, your ma was crying her eyes out. Something was wrong and I was terrified it was something wrong with the baby. All it was…well, your ma got some strange notion in her mind that I needed me a son. She thought she failed or something when she handed me a little girl. Nothing could've been further from the truth. You girls…you're everything to me. I couldn't love any of you any more if you was boys.

"Well, we thought Emmy was some sort of miracle baby because the doctors had always told your ma she couldn't have babies. That made your ma sad for a lot of reasons but it just made me treasure Emmy all the more. But then, on Emmy's first birthday, your mama told me that she was going to have another baby. The docs had been wrong.

"Everything went smooth. Nancy came and I couldn't have been happier. Of course your ma still had the silly notion that I needed a son. I figure I needed whatever the good Lord sees fit to give me. Maybe I just know better than most that a girl can do anything a boy can. I figure you all will learn to ride and shoot and anything else you want to know. If you don't learn it from me, you probably will learn it from your Aunt Lou.

"After Nan came along, your ma was on a mission to have another baby. She wanted to give me a boy so bad. I told her I didn't care but she was just insistent. Well, soon enough she was expecting again. I was over the moon. But that one didn't take. It broke my heart. Broke your mama's too. So she set to trying again. And that one…well, it didn't fare any better.

"I wasn't sold on her trying again after the second one we lost. But saying no to your ma ain't something I ever got good at. Lord help me if any of you figure out her wily ways. I'm already most of the way to spoiling Emmy rotten and I can't deny Nan much either. I shouldn't tell you this. I know it'll come back to bite me.

"I was scared the whole time she was carrying you and I think your ma resented it too. I think maybe I didn't leave any room for her fears around mine. It got tense between us…"

He closed his eyes remembering.

* * *

"Faith, you need to sit," Jimmy nagged at his wife who was not sitting, not even standing, she was on her tiptoes trying to reach something from a shelf in the kitchen. He scurried to her side and gently nudged her out of the way and lifted the box down. "You know what the doctor said."

"I know it better than you do, Jimmy. I'm not confined to bed or a chair. As long as I feel good. And I do."

"Faith," he began and then just sighed as she waved her hand to dismiss him. He started to walk away and then turned back.

"Just remember I can pick you up and put you in a chair if I need to."

"Yes I know how big and tough you are," Faith said absently as she began to arrange ingredients for the biscuits that would accompany their supper. Jimmy had already set some stew to cook in order to keep her from doing it herself.

She was right, the doctor hadn't restricted her to bed or anything of the sort but he did say to take it easy. Jimmy hadn't had the chance to be scared when she was expecting Emmy. He didn't even know she was expecting at all until she showed up seven months along and running from her husband who'd been beating on her. When they found out she was expecting again, it didn't occur to Jimmy to worry. She'd come through carrying and delivering Emmy like a trooper. And she didn't have the added danger of getting hit most days. Nancy was born without incident and everything was fine.

Almost.

Jimmy had been edgy every day since he found out she was expecting again. Faith seemed not to have a care in the world. She was just hiding it though. And it was his own fault she hid it too. He had even gone to Teaspoon for advice.

"You ever think that she just knows it's alright?" his old mentor had asked. "Women usually do."

"I know her too well to think that," Jimmy had replied. "She wasn't sure with Emmy or Nancy and I know she's even shakier with this one. I made such a big deal that she won't admit to being scared now."

"Tried talking to her?"

Jimmy just laughed and then sighed sadly.

"She just smiles and says I worry too much and then goes off humming. I can tell though. She's terrified. She's never hidden from me like this before."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you, son," Teaspoon had said scratching his head. "Except that it'll probably straighten itself out once this little one comes."

* * *

"Maybe it would have too if things had gone different," he told the slumbering baby.

* * *

"Jimmy!"

Jimmy was in Tompkins' store picking up some supplies when he heard Kid's voice holler to him. He bolted outside to see what was so urgent.

"Jimmy," Kid repeated once he saw his friend. "It's Faith…the baby's coming! Lou's with her and I already got the doc heading that way."

It was too early. By at least six weeks. It was far too soon. Oh if she lost another child and like this…he might lose his Faith. Jimmy jumped on his horse and rode as hard as he could for home. He beat the doc there but not by much.

Running into the house he was met squarely by Lou.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I have to see her," he pleaded.

Lou wanted to argue but relented and stood aside with a nod. Jimmy raced to their bedroom.

"Faith, sweetie, I'm here," he said gently as he knelt by the bed. Her face was contorted with pain. She turned her face to his as her pain subsided.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Maybe there is a limit on miracles."

"No," he told her adamantly. "I was wrong. It's going to be fine, Faith. You, the baby…you're both going to be just fine."

She smiled but he could see the fear deep in her eyes. It had taken him all these years but he had finally learned how to read her and her fear gripped his heart.

"I love you," she said reaching to touch his face. "I need you to know that. I love you."

"I love you too," he told her just as the doctor came rushing in barking orders, one of which was for Jimmy to get out.

Jimmy paced and sat and then paced some more. He could scarcely handle the pain filled screams emanating from his bedroom. He'd never been able to reconcile himself with the pain he caused her bringing their babies into the world. He was supposed to be the one to save her from pain and he caused so much of it. Finally he heard something else. A cry. It wasn't a strong cry but it was a cry. Nothing could have stopped him from rushing into the room. Faith was crying and so was Lou and Dr. Braden looked somber. Jimmy didn't understand. He heard the cry. Surely everything was fine.

The doctor caught Jimmy as he moved to enter the room.

"Boy or girl, doc?" Jimmy asked.

"Girl," was the reply. "She's awful small though. Her lungs are weak. I'd like to give assurances but I can't. Faith knows already. You need to be ready to say goodbye to her."

* * *

"Goodbye?" Jimmy rasped to the little one in the cradle. "I hadn't even said hello to you and I needed to get ready to say goodbye? We watched you like a hawk for the first few weeks. Couple of times you tried to quit on us and we had to get you breathing again. Doc Braden seemed surprised every time he came and you weren't just alive but a little stronger even. After maybe a month and a half, he said you were going to be fine. Guess your ma and me ain't the only stubborn ones."

He chuckled lightly as he gently stroked the back of his knuckles over Mae's tiny head.

"Sometimes I ain't sure I can trust it still. You're so small, smaller than your sisters. I always told them something when they was born. I'd tell them how no matter what life handed us, I'd be there. Rain, shine, whatever hardships. Someday you'll want to hitch yourself to some fella but you need to know, ain't no one ever going to love you as much as your old man. Maybe the time I been doting on you already you figured it out but there ain't nothing you can't come to me for help with. I used to fear what a girl might fret on but the only thing that scares me now is one of my girls thinking she can't come to me."

A smile crossed his lips as, even in her sleep, Mae tightened her fist around his finger and held fast.

"There was a time in my life when I thought I wanted anything but this. I thought I wanted adventure and danger and excitement. I thought those things would make me feel whole and like a real man."

He laughed again, unaware of the woman entering the room behind him. She'd been in the doorway quietly listening for a while.

"Would've never guessed that what would make me feel most like a man would be a bunch of girls. You, your sisters, maybe especially your mama...taking care of you, loving you...that's being a man. Now, I guess I'd better see if I can start making some things up to your mama. I ain't been all I could be as a husband lately. It's time I get back to that. She's a good woman. If you don't know that already, you will in time. You could do a whole lot worse than grow up like her. Let's just see if she can forgive me for being so distracted."

He almost cringed at the thought of how absent he had been from Faith and how it must have made her feel. She was a sweet and dear woman but she was known to hold a grudge.

"I think the odds are in your favor, Jimmy."

The sweet voice startled him and he turned to see Faith sitting primly on their bed in nothing but her underpinnings. It had been a long time since she'd snuck up on him like that. There was a time when she took him by surprise almost daily. He watched in awe as she reached behind her and pulled free the comb that had secured her long brown hair. It cascaded over her shoulders and he was drawn to her. She pulled him to her as the moon pulled the tide.

"I'm sorry," he said as he reached her side.

"Don't be," she replied smiling at him. "I sometimes forget what a fine man I married."

"Just how long were you sitting there listening anyway?"

"Long enough to fall in love with you all over again."

He bent down and pressed his lips to hers and for the first time in months, he was fully present, fully and completely hers. It was right and as it should always be. He vowed never to allow a gap to come between them again.

Faith pulled from the kiss with a giggle.

"Found you," she whispered with her eyes moistening.

"And now that you have," he said winking at her. "Good luck getting rid of me."

* * *

**I know some of you might've thought I wasn't going to write any more of these...I know it's been a while...but there are many stories planned. Emmy, Sally and Mary have loads of mischief to get into as they get older...and then there are first loves...that's one that's mostly written...Emmy's first love...Jimmy won't be pleased with her choice. Hehehehe...not sure anyone would be good enough for his girls though.**

**Anyway, the opening of this story was written a while ago as a writing workshop at the Ranch. A preoccupied kiss. Jimmy's such a doll when it comes to the babies. He really adores his children.**

**There is more to come. I realized recently that I have written EH stories that feature Jimmy, Cody, Rachel, Teaspoon, Kid and Lou...and even one that featured an OC most prominently (Addie) but I haven't written one for Buck yet...his is coming and he's mad because I think he fears I will start with the sad one but I think I can avoid that maybe and write something sweet before I get tragic. But there are more EH stories to come. I promise. They may sometimes get spaced out but I will write one when the doomies in my other stories get too much.**

**This one...well, after Bullet with Butterfly Wings and the conclusion of YMF and then the last couple chapters of Livin'...I owed Jimmy something happy and hopeful and there's little in the world more hope-filled than a Hickok baby. So welcome Little Mae. In time you will all get to see Mae's personality. She's quite the tomboy and she'll always be her daddy's shadow. Which makes Jimmy happy. Happy Jimmy is good.**

**As with the other EH stories, this one was inspired by a song. I used to sing this song to my babies when they were small. It has always moved me. It is so simple and yet says everything that a parent wants to tell a child. It was written by John Denver for his daughter but I have usually heard it sung by Mary Travers of Peter, Paul and Mary. A simple youtube search should allow you a listen. Jimmy got a little misty when I played it for him.-J**

* * *

**For Baby** - John Denver

I'll walk in the rain by your side  
I'll cling to the warmth of your tiny hand  
I'll do anything to help you understand  
I'll love you more than anybody can

And the wind will whisper your name to me  
Little birds will sing along in time  
The leaves will bow down when you walk by  
And morning bells will chime

I'll be there when you're feeling down  
To kiss away the tears if you cry  
I'll share with you all the happiness I've found  
A reflection of the love in your eyes

And I'll sing you the songs of the rainbow  
A whisper all the joy that is mine  
The leaves will bow down when you walk by  
And morning bells will chime

I'll walk in the rain by your side  
I'll cling to the warmth of your tiny hand  
I'll do anything to help you understand  
I'll love you more than anybody can

And the wind will whisper your name to me  
Little birds will sing along in time  
The leaves will bow down when you walk by  
And morning bells will chime


End file.
